the meghann show

God is so good!

9:50 AM / Posted by Meghann McLeskey / comments (0)

to breathe and to feel invincible.

i'm on top of the world at the summit created by God.

i've never been on a mountain before.

i imagine it will be a tough climb.

but i imagine it will be so worth it.

where else can i experience this?

this feeling that i am beautiful,

and i have faith enough to move what i'm standing on,

and i am truly a child of the Greatest,

and i am me?

and God made me exactly this way.

who was it that told the stars to shine for me?

who bled himself dry for the likes of me?

who am i to forget something like that?

but i do forget.

remind me.

while i climb this mountain, show me where you brought me from.

and where i could have been.

i have done nothing to deserve You.

i'm not worthy of the love.

why You love me, i will never ever understand.

remind me that i'm human and You died so i could mess up sometimes.

You kissed ever freckle on my face and said "it is good."

You put the sky into my eyes and said "it is good."

You decided it was okay for me to be born without toenails and said "it is good."

You created the best dad on the planet...modeled him in Your image...

and You gave him to me.

You created the most beautiful, inspiring mom...

and You gave her to me.

how dare i ask for anything when You've given me so much?

...how dare i not ask for anything when Your precious son spilled His entire being so i could ask?

i can't understand the beauty,

the power,

the majesty,

the kingdom,

the glory,

the wonder,

the splendor,

the literal awesomeness that is awaiting me.

watch over the trek. keep us safe. and bring us to You.

ready. set. don't go...

10:42 PM / Posted by Meghann McLeskey / comments (0)

twenty seven more days.

that's all.

two years flies, doesn't it?

so much changes in two years...

everything they say may be right.

but if it is, i have to ask myself,

"why don't i feel good about it?"

i must go on my gut instincts

because sometimes...

you can convince yourself in your mind about the rightness of a thing

and you try to find fault with your reasoning.

but you cant.

because however you turn it over in your mind, it comes out right.

so you have to think:

i'm just a completely unreasonable person.

i know it's right, but i don't think it is.

or, i think it's right, but i know it isn't.

and...you could just end up thinking you're a moron

or an overemotional person

or a deficient sort of thing.

but...

really, there are some things, when you want to know the truth of them, you have to use your whole person...you have to use not just your mind and your feelings, but your whole body to make decisions.

because they're too complicated for just your mind.

or even your mind and your feelings.

they need to be considered in some larger way,

and in the largest way of all, i know in my bones that i have to go with my heart.

or whatever this is.

i have to go with my whole being when it says that i love you and nothing else matters.

even if other things do matter.

even quite a lot.

you are loved more than you could possibly imagine.

i could write pages...you wouldn't have time to read them all.

i feel so privileged to say that you were one of my best friends...

one of my most influential friends...

and just that i know you, really.

look out, world.

you're on the loose.

i love you.

...don't leave.

i don't understand.

10:18 PM / Posted by Meghann McLeskey / comments (1)

this...thing...

it's eating me away.

little by little, devouring me. all of me.

some would call it love.

i call it annoying.

i call it something i'm incapable of attaining.

i call it a monster...a cold, unforgiving, life-taking monster.

i can't explain all the ways you devastate me.

"the more you love someone, the less sense it makes."

then i must love you a lot.

but why?

loving someone only gives them the power to break you.

i want to talk to you so bad...

but it's all just another failed attempt.

and yet i keep crawling back to you.

because maybe...maybe this time...

but "this time" never seems to get here.

...is love just a conspiracy?

just a theory that gives us a reason to live?

to wake up in the morning?

you can't look out your window when you wake up in the morning without seeing hate.

but love could be sitting right next to me, soundly sleeping, with me not giving it a chance to wake up and rub the sleep out of its eyes.

does that make me the blind one?

the one that's searching to the point of death for this thing i don't know exists?

i'd die for it.

there's nothing that could change my mind.

but...i can't see it, let alone feel it.

love?

i don't know the meaning of the word.

but it has to mean something to someone.

gone.

8:37 PM / Posted by Meghann McLeskey / comments (0)

this...

was not supposed to happen.

how could i?

how could i be so hateful?

i wished for nothing beyond your smile.

and i swear i didn't mean for it to feel like this.

i'm sorry i wasn't what you wanted me to be.

i wish it didn't have to end this way.

if there was one thing i could say to you...

it would be to never abandon who you are.

if that means the hopeless romantic...

the hopelessly confused teenager...

the dreamer...

the liar...

the sugar coated wonder i want to see when i look at you...

the friend...

don't forget who he is.

who ever you are.

because that is the one i love so dearly.

don't lose sight of that man.

i told you once that your life would be so much better if i was never a part of it.

now do you believe me?

if i hadn't said a word to you...

you'd still be in love with her.

you'd still be just fine.

but i had to come in...

swoop down and steal everything.

words can't express how sorry i am...

sorry that it had to end like this...

sorry i ever tried to understand...

so, so sorry i wasted my time.

i still love you dearly.

and we will meet again.

someday.

this isn't goodbye.

it is merely a see-you-later.

it's never goodbye.

because i'll see you again...

i'll see you again in the greatest unknown.

and i'll continue to wait.

didn't anybody tell you?

7:07 PM / Posted by Meghann McLeskey / comments (0)

you are not pathetic.

pathetic is the last word i'd use to describe you.

you're beautiful.

smart.

you know me better than i know myself sometimes.

hilarious.

sincere.

honest.

loving.

confused.

sappy.

but definitely not pathetic.

you're just following your heart because it's the only thing you can trust anymore.

but now you don't know if you can trust even your heart.

you're afraid it'll just stab you in the back like it has in the past.

who are we to trust what the heart says?

why would we listen if it's the cruelest friend we have?

something so beautiful and painful it's eating us alive...

and all we do is sit and watch.

it's like that horrible, bloody car wreck that took your best friend's life.

you can't look away.

i've screwed with your life in more ways than anyone should.

but i can't help thinking God gave me your friendship for a reason.

we both grew up bowling in the beansprout and getting in trouble for rollerblading around moody!

who else does that but two friends connected at the heart when they were born?

i met you two years ago.

we were fast friends.

was it too fast?

we've crashed and burned so many times...

there are things i've said to you i wish with all of me i could take back.

i mess with you.

i know what i'm doing.

and i can't leave it alone.

i like to pretend i control things.

i like to pretend i can somehow make everything better if i just push hard enough.

it's so fun to pretend.

but pretending has taken lives.

precious lives.

lives that no one can get back.

someday everything will work.

God, it has to.

simplicity.

7:04 PM / Posted by Meghann McLeskey / comments (1)

it's everywhere.

screaming out...

trying to be noticed.

"pay attention!

you're making this so much harder than it has to be.

you're so corrupted!

what happened to naivety?

the human race was so innocent it wasn't ashamed of nakedness at one point...

each sunrise and sunset was precious to you.

you woke up early just to hear the birds sing.

you didn't go to bed until you basked in the ambiance of creation...

clean creation.

nature smells sweeter than your ten thousand dollar bottle of perfume.

you used to love each other.

you weren't born with hatred on your heart.

you have to be carefully taught to hate.

i didn't teach you. certainly not.

you're so dirty.

you're covered in filth that the world doused you in.

why are you afraid to not be of the world?

what's wrong with nonconformists?

who told you that you were wrong?

you were quite the opposite...

it breaks my heart to see how much you've changed.

you were my baby...

i watched you grow.

nurtured you.

poured all of my love, passion, and energy into you.

cared for you.

i watched your wings grow.

then i let you go.

i saw you as you spread those wings for the first time.

and i saw them shoot you down into a bloody, disgusting, awful mess.

i cried and screamed.

i didn't know what to do.

i could hardly bear it.

i watched them capture you.

they took your wings away.

made you one of them.

so here i am...

watching monsters raise my daughter.

i'll get you back one day.

child, you will be beautiful again."

i swear i didn't mean for it to feel like this.

7:03 PM / Posted by Meghann McLeskey / comments (0)

stupid sixteen-year-old.

what were you thinking?

why couldn't you see that he's a drug?

an addiction you'll never be able to face down?

he tastes so sweet...and yet he's killing you

slowly...

painfully...

he was never forever.

i knew i was on my own the whole time.

i despise my behavior.

i've admitted defeat, but i'll never surrender.

giving in is the easy way out.

but i'm just a stupid teenager...

how do i know if it's real or not?

the feeling of certainty...of pain...

of confusion...

is it reality?

or do i need to change my mindset from truth to lies?

hope is all i cling to. but...

hope...what's the point?

except to be entertained by the spectacle of every single hope i dared to dream shimmering into oblivion, never to be seen again?

i can't bring myself to abandon them.

hope. is. not. death.

it can't be.

what else keeps us from apathy?

what else keeps me hanging on to something i know is too good to be true?

i feel it when you smile at me.

i'd conquer the world for you...even though i'm scared to death of what could happen...

perhaps scared to death of the unknown...

if it meant i got to feel you next to me.

i can see right through you when i look into your eyes, and yet i can see nothing.

you're transparant...

and a brick wall that only she can penetrate.

...whoever she is.

i can't stop myself from desperately wanting with all of me to be her.

i can't stop myself from dreaming with a broken heart.

...stupid, selfish sixteen-year-old.

i can't bring myself to not feel invincible when you're standing next to me.

i've got the world on a string when your eyes meet mine...

when i'm in your atmosphere.

hoping is like staring death in the face.

you never know when it will take you...

torture you...

or turn you loose.

what happens when hope gets the best of you?

you die.

or live.

you hope that hope will be kind...

but you're prepared for it to take your life.

it's so easy to surrender...

but i swear i'll keep fighting.

love is real.

it has to exist.

and i will get it.